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Mar 26, 202112 min read

I'm not racist, am I? Reflections and lessons on a learning journey (Essay #4)

Updated: May 30, 2021

I thought I wasn’t part of the problem. My grandparents’ dear friends were Nat & Stan Gutridge. They took me to Disney with my grandparents and were a warm & loving presence in my life throughout my childhood thanks to their close friendship with my grandparents. Stan was the grandson of freed slaves and was the first African American to graduate from Clark University. Despite being rejected from his first job interview because they “hadn’t heard of a black accountant before” he overcame many obstacles and had a good career. Nat and Stan were always such positive people who saw the good in others and in humanity despite the negatives that surfaced at many junctures throughout their lives. My grandmother told me of being yelled at in the street (as a “n” lover and more) for being their friend and, yet Betty Stoddard yielded for no one when she was in the right. No one in our family ever disparaged anyone of another race or background when I was growing up. Not only has the ‘n’ word never come out of my mouth, I'm not aware of anyone ever hearing anyone say it in my presence. We made a conscious choice to raise our boys in a multicultural city with people of all different backgrounds and demographics (there are 70 native languages in the local public schools) and made sure that the books I bought for them reflected people of all backgrounds, unlike the books that were widely available when I was growing up.

The Gutridges were an important frame of reference for me when I saw injustice because I could always see that if something would be unfair to Nat & Stan, then it was unfair, or if a generalization didn't apply to them, then perhaps the generalization needed to be re-thought. I was always somewhat aware of the inequities between how I, as a white girl, was nearly always given the benefit of the doubt while that is not the case for others who don't look like me. I was also aware of how my white suburban upbringing showed me the world through a very narrow lens despite my family's effort to expose me to more. I did understand the advantages I had compared to others and have tried to do my best to turn my privilege into responsiblity and giving back.


And yet, that is not nearly enough. Growing up in a white dominant society and culture, I am in awe of how little I really know and how much I had internalized the subtle messages that we are given in our society. I look back and wish I had thought to ask so many more questions. When I walk our kids to school and see black fathers and mothers doing the same, I realized that this simple, loving, daily scene was not among images that were regularly shown in media or in the mostly white spaces I have often occupied. I realized how few books I read were by people of color and that I needed to change that. I was horrified when I learned about the bird watcher incident in Central Park and realized that people that look like me are actually a bigger threat to black men, not the other way around as we're societally conditioned to believe. At one point I noticed that when I followed someone on Instagram and Facebook the algorithm often suggested other people of the same race and that it was on me to make more of an active effort to take in more multifaceted perspectives.


As I became an adult, I started to realize how much I got treated by police growing up varied from other people's experiences. I reflected on how my privilege benefitted me in dozens of scenarios that I could articulate clearly. I saw how inequities are caused and propagated when history and systems center primarily on white people. I am embarrassed to admit that I initially scoffed at my city having “Indigenous People’s Day” but when I looked into it, it turned out the sanitized version of “Christopher Columbus sailing the ocean blue” that I got in school was not even close to what happened. I still can't believe that we were taught that white people “civilized” Native Americans and that it was actually horrific at many turns, inclucing pillaging, taking advantage of those who were here, and mass genocide. I learned how many black people were shut out of the GI bill and how redlining still has impacts to this day. I realized that even though lynchings and Jim Crow are not as commonplace anymore, many similar "norms," the multigenerational impacts and many other injustices still are.


Even though I made it a point to volunteer with Big Sisters for a day where I gained perspective on the intricacies of people’s lives and beliefs, I supported Camp Harbor View for the decade my brother was involved to help instill confidence in 11-14 year old kids who need support. I’ve donated to the NAACP because of their work and Stan’s involvement, I donated to a local African American Church that badly needed a new roof and to another doing a massive restoration. I continue to be involved in and support Boys & Girls Clubs of Boston, YouthConnect (a partnership between police and social workers to keep kids out of the criminal justice system) and other nonprofits that aim to address inequality. I worked with a coworker to bring in high school interns from the Boys & Girls Club for two years and made (unsuccessful) efforts to connect hiring managers with a Boys & Girls Club Alumni network. I took other small actions, such as calling out and reporting a racist avatar I saw on BabyCenter when my son was a newborn. I made an effort to really listen to coworkers of different backgrounds to understand their perspective, see who they really were and started to see how they could be unfairly judged for not “fitting in” to a narrow set of norms that were centered on whiteness.


And yet, despite good intentions: It hit me like a ton of bricks that I am still a huge part of the problem in more than one way: all of this work to give others a fair shot lacked cultural competence and a deep understanding of systemic issues. I remember being appalled decades ago when my cousin Josh ran into someone in the South who thought the South won the Civil War and smugly thought "could you imagine?" having such a worldview, but had no idea how much the North was still a massive part of the problem as well to this day. In 2013 it struck me when Trayvon Martin was murdered, that he'd still be alive if he were white and if George Zimmerman were black, things would have been very different, but I don't think I fully appreciated how widespread and deep these issues are. I thought I was inclusive in my work practices, but looking back, now I'm not so sure and wish I had done more. Unlike many communities of color, I was shocked at how overtly racist the 2016 campaign, election and aftermath was. I was able to live most of my life without experiencing it daily like so many others. The depths of my privilege really struck me and continued to do so when Ahmaud Arbury was killed. And I couldn't believe that, despite the video evidence, arrests weren't made until officials caved to public pressure. It wasn't until after George Floyd's murder that the full depth and breadth of the lack of accountability for black people's deaths in the US really hit me with its full weight. I read more, researched more, I got bolder about pushing to do more where I work, socialize and among friends, I spoke out more and I finally wrote this essay after thinking about it for a long time. The reality is that I still have more to learn and I have no way to really know whether any effort I have ever made matters or makes a difference, but to not try at either is to propagate the problem. All along, I thought I was helping to create opportunity or level the playing field, but the real problem is that the stories and issues arise repeatedly because the whole system is flawed.


When people, no matter where they come from, have to operate in culture and systems that aren’t built for them and don’t serve them in the same way that they serve me, we’re not doing enough. It’s the systems and structures that need to change, not the people impacted by the structures. While some people in power and/or privilege are willfully ignorant, a lot of people are ignorant because our systems, educational sources, and messaging propagate that ignorance. Some literally don't see it because they don't experience it and weren't aware. Others see it and propagate it because they understand how it benefits them and fear changing the status quo. None of it is right. Infrastructure that intentionally or unintentionally propagates or produces racially disparate outcomes are inherently racist and need to be re-evaluated. The sad reality is that it is exactly how a lot of the systems were created. And once you see it, you can't un-see or un-know. All of that is integral to the hard work that lies ahead. It's not possible to right centuries of inequity in one fell swoop, and it will take a figurative army and time to effect change. As the Buddhist philosophy says, "The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step" and we all have a responsibility to face what we need to face so that we can change the future.


I also recognize that this is all painfully obvious to those who live it every day and to those who have spent a lifetime really doing this work. I share my journey in hopes that it can help some others along theirs, wherever they may be on it. Despite thinking I was doing my part and believing that I wasn't part of the problem, it took me a lot of work and too much time to really see the scope of the issues at stake and to fully understand how much more fundamental and substantive change is needed. It required a lot of reflection, reading, listening, checking myself, questioning my assumptions, and understanding things from a different vantage point. Confronting it is hard, and it's beyond unfortunate that so much work is needed just to expose the truth, rather than it being taught and shared honestly as a default throughout our culture, lives and our structures.


As Joan Benoit Samuelson once said, "Start where you are" For some that may be to re-think our reflexive defensive response to the word "racist", or to examine where we may have biases that we hadn't noticed before. For others it may be to follow more diverse voices in what they read or watch, to really listen to someone for the first time or volunteering their time to people who grew up differently from them. These little things do collectively add up exponentially when everyone does their part. And yes, you might not always get it right, but that's not the point. The point is to learn and grow and to seed change. As I continue my introspection and shudder to think of many examples where I said or thought the wrong thing, have had blind spots, where I could have asked more questions or where I, in hindsight should have thought to do more. As Maya Angelou said "When you know better, you do better" and thus, like many others, I am continuing my journey to do better. For me that involves further educating myself by reading books, continuing to follow black and other minority leaders on multiple topics, influencing systems and processes when I have a chance and continuing the donations I make. For others it may look different. There is no singular "correct" way, other than to take the first or the next step forward, whatever that may be for you.


We can all do better. It is raw and painful to turn the mirror on oneself. It can invoke powerful emotions and defense mechanisms, but to not face our societal shortcomings is to turn a blind eye to and enable the collective pain and suffering of our fellow human beings. We each are on different journeys, we each have something different to contribute to the world and none of us can fix it alone. Intentions matter, but actions matter more. None of us will get this life journey and our contribution 100% right, and we can't let perfection get in the way of progress. What we can do is to listen (truly listen!), educate ourselves, push ourselves, go within to be honest with ourselves, be willing to be vulnerable and to at least try to do our part, whatever that may be.



(footnote: if any of the items in the infographic makes you think "what? that's not racist!" or "that's ridiculous" or "how is that even racist?" I'd ask that you pause and reflect on that. And take some time to consider why you believe that as well as how someone else might see it differently. It takes work, introspection, vulnerability and surprisingly little time, yet it is harder than reflexively rejecting something that doesn't align with your default experiences. The richness and perspective and growth that comes out of investing the small amount of energy into educating yourself is invaluable and helps to make the world a safer, more inclusive place for all. I didn't always intuitively understand all of the items on the list, but I've grown as a human and learned a lot as I've opened my eyes and educated myself on many issues that I was blind to for a lot of my life. Once you see it, you can't 'un-see' it. And the reality is that a huge part of our population has never not seen it and can't fathom the blindness that inflicts so many. I know I still don't know what I don't know and commit to continuing to seek out knowledge and confront my blind spots that rather than stay in willful ignorance. I have great hope in seeing so many more people than ever before also make the choice to listen and learn, yet I know that there will always remain many people who would prefer to keep blinders on and maintain the status quo)


Resources - below is just a sampling for those getting started, and it is tailored towards people in the early to mid-stages of their journey. There is a LOT more out there, so start where you are and with what engages you. Most importantly: lean into any discomfort that comes up, LISTEN without responding and LEARN. Most Americans spend their whole lives with one set of understandings/assumptions and the evolution of a worldview takes time:


FOLLOW/SUPPORT/BUY books, goods and services/DONATE:

READ/WATCH:

A quick note on the source of antiracism resources: there is a legitimate complaint out there around white people profiting off of antiracism work and taking the stage on this topic, when black voices have been saying many of the same messages for generations and haven't historically been heard and/or had the same level of access to publishers, speaking gigs, etc. These two resources were helpful to me on my journey, so I'm including them below. Please be sure that these are not your only sources for perspective on this topic. I do agree with the viewpoint that white voices need to speak out, but that specifically profiting off of it is problematic. I am aligned with the perspective that it is important that white people listen to and invest their money in listening to the voices of those who are oppressed by and/or experience racism, not the systems and people that are amongst the benefactors of the system.

  • Waking Up White and Finding Myself in the Story of Race by Debby Irving (book) - Autobiographical account best for those are starting out on their journey of learning. Debby tells her story of growing up in a privileged white dominant community and shares her blind spots and learnings. 50% of the profits from her book go to organizations and individuals addressing issues of racial inequity.

  • A biracial acquaintance of mine asked if her white friends would please watch this: overview of White Fragility - Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Race. This YouTube video (1:23:31). I appreciated the recommendation and agree with her that it was time well spent.

For children:


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